My name is Blaze and I am an addict. I do not believe that I am powerless but thank goodness I surrendered. I let go. I allowed. I stopped fighting.
Today I celebrate 4 years clean and sober. There was a time when I didn’t know how to survive 4 days sober and I didn’t even consider the possibility that I would ever love myself enough to string 4 years together.
Yet here I am.
And I’m okay.
I no longer look away when I pass a mirror. My first waking thought is not, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I used to live in constant fear. Fear of “bad guys”, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of not becoming the Superhero or Burlesque dancer I was clearly named to be, fear of being forgotten, and worst of all, fear of what I would do next. I thought I had to be a little drunk or a little high on a little of whatever in order to deal with the littlest things. On a good day I was the flirtatious party girl who made everyone a bit nervous. On a bad day I felt ashamed and gut wrenchingly sorry for myself. Self-Pity was my greatest enemy. That’s when I would do ANYTHING to stop feeling, stop caring, and stop living. I let abandonment and abuse from my past define me and excuse my hurtful behavior. I’d become the person I was running from. I’d become a disappointment.
Today…I am a Fucking Rockstar with a Kick-Ass Life! I really like me. I’m a Mother of two kids who I show up for EVERY DAY! I have an amazing husband who constantly motivates and teaches me. I perform professionally as a singer, actress and dancer. And I’ve finally aligned with my ultimate dream of becoming a Healer! I will soon have my certification as a Health and Wellness Coach from the Integrative Institute of Nutrition! I have shifted in powerful and beautiful ways and it’s incredibly important to me to share my journey of healing with anyone who’s even the tiniest bit willing to release their pain. I’m not perfect. I struggle but it’s not even in the same reality as the debilitating struggles I used to go through. I consume too much sugar and caffeine. I worry what other people think and I still feel afraid sometimes. But it’s different. I have tools today. I have hope. I have support. And I reach out! I seek out people who have things I want, (joy, abundance, badass mom skills, courage, sexy abs, discipline), and I do what they suggest.
Here is a list of things that have helped tremendously on my journey. Please embrace anything that resonates with you and leave the rest. If you feel alone and scared please believe me when I say that I have been there and it doesn’t have to stay that way.
12 Step Meetings. It was crucial for me to be in a room full of people who think the way I do. In early recovery I went multiple times a week. When I got serious about healing I went almost exclusively to a women’s only meeting. I had no female friends and needed no distractions, like delicious tattooed bad boys. 🙂 I was so broken and defeated that I worked my ass off to get well. I did what I was told because my best thoughts were shit. I worked the 12 steps like my life depended on it because I knew if I returned to addiction I would quickly die. I didn’t have time to pick apart what I did or did not relate to in the meetings or the literature. I wanted to live. Each time I showed up early to make coffee, or lead a meeting or smile at a newcomer I felt a little bit better. Those little bits added up and the 12 steps released layers and layers of pain from my past. I mended relationships with people who I never thought I could. Tonight I’ll be celebrating my 4 years at a 12 step meeting for “Agnostics, Atheists and Free Thinkers”. I’ve met more than one person who refused to go to a twelve step meeting because they heard it was a bunch of Jesus freaks. I am overjoyed to report that they can no longer use that excuse! Not only are there meetings for people who never want to hear the “G” word uttered but there’s also a stack of books on the topic. No religion or belief system necessary! I highly recommend Waiting by Marya Hornbacher! You can search for 12 Step Meetings for Alcohol, Drugs, Specific Drugs, Sex, Gambling, Overeating and more!
Gabrielle Bernstein. Addict turned Spiritual Guru! Her books, lectures, youtube videos, meditations and passion have created a shift in my perception. She’s shown me how to shift from fear to love. She shares a lot of Kundalini meditations and active vocal meditations that are beneficial even when I only have 1 minute to spare! Her book, Add More Ing To Your Life was my first glimpse at her awesome message but Miracles Now is my favorite. Its chock full o healing tools.
Danielle LaPorte’s Truthbombs. She has nothing to do with recovery but her quotes always hit home for me. And she is quite possibly the most uniquely powerful woman around right now. Check her out!
Erin Stutland’s Soul Stroll! This beautiful fitness and magical manifesting babe has combined mantras with movement and it’s the best workouts I’ve ever done. The mantras put me into an excited focused inspired headspace. She has a gift and I’ve definitely benefitted from it!
Ester Nicholson!! Goddess whom I had the pleasure to meet, hear speak and have a few private coaching sessions with. She does a lot of Tapping (EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique) which is so effecient for healing. Please please try tapping! Brad Yates, Gabrielle Bernstein, Nick Ornter, The Tapping Solution or just Youtube it! So quick and weird and super healing! She wrote Soul Recovery and it is incredible!
Sol & Heart Coaching. Solveig is a wonderful Life Coach based in Anchorage, AK who I did quite a few sessions with. She helped me reach goals, gave me gentle accountability and introduced me to authors who changed my view on reality and suggested Integrative Institute of Nutrition which is a Health Coaching school that I am currently studying with and it is AMAZING!!! She does in-person, phone and Skype sessions!
Lissa Rankin’s book, The Fear Cure is incredible. She’s probably my all-time favorite author. Check out her website and sign up for free “Inner Pilot Light” emails. They’re so fun and uplifting. You can also download her, Prescription for Courage.
Pam Grout’s books, E-Squared: 9 Do It Yourself Energy Experiments That Prove Your Thoughts Create Your Reality, massively shifted my life. To actually see tangible things appear and manifest and change using these experiments was epic. Someone recently asked what or who I believe in spiritually or religiously and I said, “E-Squared”! I got to meet Pam Grout this year at a Hay House convention and turns out she lives near where I’m living this fall so we’re getting together for lunch soon. DREAM COME TRUE!!
That’s probably enough suggestions for one day. I could go on and on. I have been fiercely committed to healing. I do not sit back and wait for it to magically happen. I do the fucking work! It’s so worth it! I’m worth it. You are, and always have been, worthy of joy! It’s our divine birthright to feel VIBRANT! I still vividly recall many times when I was alone in my disgustingly dirty apartment sobbing and wasted and feeling so completely devastatingly alone and hopeless. If that’s where you’re at right now it’s okay. That is a great place to start! I’ve included tons of resources and links in this post. Use them! And use me! Email me or contact me through Facebook or Instagram. I’m here and would love to answer any questions or more importantly just listen and hold a safe space for you to share what you’re going through. Thank you for being a part of my recovery!